I feel compelled to write about my experience as a new mother because the experience has forever changed me and the process has been beautiful as well as scary and difficult. I think that in our modern culture we are too individualistic and as women we are expected to carry too much on our own. I believe we are meant to raise children in a tribe, or close knit community where we have both spiritual and physical help all around us. Even though we are so spread out, we can still work to cultivate this. I am realizing now how imperative this is. I am going through a spiritual transformation and I think that all women whether they realize it or not go through something similar when they give birth or raise a child. Luckily, postpartum depression is something that is now readily discussed in the mainstream, so there are more resources for women to reach out and feel comfortable doing so. Beyond that, we need support for our spiritual growth. Without it, we can sink deep into some scary stuff and feel like we’re losing our center. It’s no wonder women go crazy or fall into deep depression, they don’t have the support needed to navigate the transformation. I have suffered from overwhelming anxiety and fear that something outside of my control will take away this beautiful life and the incredible miracle that is my baby girl. This anxiety has paralyzed me from living my life in the here and now. The anxiety is so strong I have manifested symptoms of a neurological degenerative disease. Now, it’s not so far off because I have a history of this in my family(I won’t get into that part now). However, most likely I don’t have this and I’m creating a problem from wrong perceptions because the gravity of loving this new person is overwhelming. I have a friend who had a full on anxiety attack and had to go the hospital and another friend who thought an army was out to get her and her baby and the stories go on…

With the help of an amazing therapist whose work is stemmed in Native American dreamwork and Buddhist practice, I’m reminded of the deep knowledge I have within and the power of practicing living in the moment. Worrying about the future is useless and when you really practice living in the moment with all your being, immense joy is possible and slowly, the fear and anxiety dissolve. In my dreams, I have recognized common themes interwoven that have given me insight into something deeper, into what’s really going on. A pure reflection. In the end, I believe this fear and anxiety I have experienced has been a gift and has given me so many blessings, without it, I’m not sure I would have been compelled to look deep within and already I’m experiencing expansive joy that I didn’t know was possible. The coyote trickster, who has visited me both in my dreams and in waking life, creates chaos and confusion in order to cultivate light and wisdom. I’m so thankful I have wonderful friends and family who were open to listening to me through my process and a great therapist who helped me shift the relationship with the fear and to start an open dialog with it. I feel my heart opening and I’m so thankful that it’s not the opposite.

“Darkness has a hunger that’s insatiable and lightness has a call that’s hard to hear” – Indigo Girls

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  • Arrowleaf

    Beautiful post, my friend. I love you dearly and am so happy to read your enlightened words. I am proud of you for embarking on this exploratory process with open arms and an open mind.

  • Jetha Marek

    Thanks for your beautiful transparency – motherhood is the REAL DEAL – uncompromising, in so many ways, despite it’s divine beauty. It’s a raw and and completely surreal ride! I remember feeling in the first few months how HARD it all was… a friend in a similar space, asked, ‘how come no one said it was THIS difficult?’ I agree mothers need spaces to share together, support one another, and mother together. It’s a rich road that should be traveled arm in arm. I’m so glad you are getting the support you need/deserve… I send you a hug from afar… and should you ever return from the wilds of Montana – there is our mama’s group waiting for you. xo, friend. ps – I’m due with our second in 4 weeks. So Excited. AND nervous. Again 🙂

    • goldenstyle

      Ah, Jetha thank you for your beautiful words! It’s so encouraging to get feedback as I feel a bit timid putting all this stuff out there. You’re right, we need to share it all, the good and the bad and band together in this incredible journey! It warms my heart to think of you with a round belly again, so excited for you!!! I’ll be visualizing a smooth transition for you and your new wee one. xoxoxo

  • Elaine

    Beautifully written. Thank you for this. You’re definitely not alone.

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